I struggle with celebrating remembrance of the day that a loved one passes away….
The younger version of me always believed birth was a much happier celebration… as if saying “Happy Birthday in Heaven, such-n-such would have been # today” makes the loss of a loved one any less painful. Older me, however, realizes now that God healing a loved one’s suffering and bringing His creation to a place of endless peace IS the ultimate goal… so I suppose I should want to celebrate their remembrance that much more.
But to me, bringing remembrance to the day someone died pulls me into all the emotions of exactly how I felt in those final days, weeks, & months…… And it’s not the type of memories I want to re-live over and over. I already push through the those final heartbreaking memories and all the what-ifs and regrets on SO MANY other days of the year.
It probably would be better if I could somehow just shove it all into just one day.
We all know that’s not how the heart works though.
Even on days that should be positive, the loss of a loved one is / can be absolutely crippling. So many times I just wish they were still here: Birthday’s, cookouts, all my child’s firsts, new family firsts, life instances I could use advice on, etc. etc.
None-the-less, the day has come and gone and there was no escaping the reality of it. Yesterday was the day my Mom went to heaven. Sept. 5th will always be THAT day. I didn’t get on social media much for fear of any memories I may have posted from this day. Regardless, I was (silently) emotionally beat into submission by Noon today and I crashed out until 2:30 when it was time to pick up our son from school / eat dinner / get to baseball / back home… and then from there till now kept myself and my thoughts occupied making up the work I didn’t do this afternoon.
There’s no escaping the reality of this day. Today is the day my Mom went to heaven.
Thankfully it is also the day one my absolute best friends, my little sister Christie, was born; which will forever be a welcomed “distraction” ….. she brings so much joy into this world and my life, and I am thankful for that.
But, again, another year of this day has come and gone. There was, once again, no way of escaping it.
Thankfully, I know it’s also not permanent. I know where she is, where all those before me are. And God-willing, I’ll be with you again when my time comes.
I love you Mom. And I miss you.